Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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