He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
