so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
