who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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