I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
