Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
