1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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