3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
