She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
