Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
