when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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