time to smoke my breakfast
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
