Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
