can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
