fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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