I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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