I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
