every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
