Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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