what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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