I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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