why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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