So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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