just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
