I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
