Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
