why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My feet surprised me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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