I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
