Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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