literally had 100 drinks last night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
