Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
