I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
