When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
