Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize