i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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