i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
