i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
