my mouth tastes like poor choices
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
