I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
