I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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