I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
