Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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