You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
