cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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