I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
