I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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