dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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