I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
