dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
