This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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