I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
