I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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