I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
