You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize