im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
40s are totally the cure
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
