I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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