You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
