Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
