Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
