Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
