I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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