I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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