T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize