I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
