My nipple is on Facebook.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize