In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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