I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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